Hopefully, if I’m alive during the apocalypse, I will strive to make really banal small talk with the people around me.
I will be all like,
‘Did you watch the game the other day? Good game huh?’
‘I saw a good movie the other day?’
‘How’s about this weather huh?’
(even though the weather will be all like tsunami’s and hurricanes and fires.)
(And then we will all die screaming.)
2. WORLD PEACE THROUGH VIOLENCE
We should force everyone at gunpoint to wear a Burkha so there would be no more discrimination based on how someone looked. Talented ugly people would finally get a chance to shine while dumb beautiful people would be finally ignored.
We should force everyone at gunpoint to tear out their eyes so there would be no more racism. And then force everyone to speak through electronic voice modulators so we all sounded like the same robot and we wouldn’t discriminate anyone based on the way they sounded.
We should force homophobes and misogynists at gunpoint to cross dress and have gay sex with each other enough times to make homophobia irrelevent.
We should force conflicting cultural groups of people at gunpoint to have sex with each other enough times for one to get one pregnant, so they shared a child to force some kind of reconciliation process through familial obligation.
We would film it and market it as new kind of inter-racial reconciliation porn and world peace could be achieved while people jacked off to it.
For example, we would force Israelis to have sex with Palestinians, Neo nazi’s with Jews, Australian politicians with Aboriginals, Fundamentalist Islamic terrorists with Right wing Christians etc…
(And everyone would take it in turns to take it and give it, so it was fair)
We should force obese Western people at gunpoint to sign a contract, whereby once they died of heart disease, they would be forced to donate their corpse as food to third world countries. It would be like that clause organ donors have on their driver’s licence, but instead of saying that they were willing to be organ donors, it would say that they would be willing to be doner kebabs.
We should force everyone at gunpoint to become better people, through a variety of trust exercises and character building workshops, and anyone who dared to not cooperate would be shot in the back of the head in front of everyone, as an example.
We are all in this together, whether you like it or not.
We should force everyone at gunpoint to force everyone at gun point to love each other and make the world a better place.
3. HOW MY FRIEND GOT CONVERTED TO CHRISTIANITY
When my friend Will was 15, he worked at KFC and one night a gang of armed robbers held him up at gunpoint, took all the cash from the register and beat the shit out of him and his co-worker and locked them in the freezer for four hours.
When he emerged from the freezer, he had found god.
Evidently, God had been living in the freezer at Balgowlah KFC this whole time.
Way to go God.
He would bang on about how great God was for saving his life, but all I could think of was that if that was true, God had set up the armed robbery as well, so really God was a creepy manipulative fuck who hired violent criminals to do his dirty work.
Perhaps the violent criminals were nothing more than angels in disguise.
Everytime he talked about his experience and how God saved him, I would picture God being one of those mentally ill people who like to make people sick, just so they could nurse them back to health again.
If there is a God and that’s what he/she’s like, they can go fuck themselves.
4. CALL CENTRE AGAIN
Sometimes I call these old people and they sound like they are dying on me.
Their voices are wheezing croaks and it’s like they are talking to me with their final breaths and all I can think of is that they are wasting their final breaths on someone who is asking them to donate to a charity organisation that keeps 60 percent of the takings.
I keep asking them, ‘Are you alright?’
And they always say ‘No.’
And then I always ask them, ‘What’s wrong?’
Even though I know the answer won’t be a good one because what you are supposed to say instead?
Also I want to know.
They usually then say something like, ‘I’m 92 and living in a retirement village.’
Or, ‘I’m dying of cancer.’
Or, ‘I had a bad stroke.’
And then I say, ‘Oh that’s no good.’ And because I’m being monitored I then have to ask them if they would like to give to charity, even though they are dying and there is no justification I can think of to make them want to do it, but I always think of saying something distasteful like, ‘Boohoo, how about you quit being so selfish and give us your money?’
5. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION BUT FORTUNATELY SUICIDE IS.
Sometimes I feel like a depressed paranoid mentalist and everything I predict is bad.
Then I wait for something bad to happen, and it never happens and I thank my lucky star’s that im a shit psychic.
6. WOW I’M DEEP.
One day everything that’s around you right now will no longer remain, not even a trace of nothing, not even a memory of a myth, not even these words, not even no one and this gives me a raging hard on will you touch it please.
LIFESTYLE LIFESTYLE LIFESTYLE
Dying slowly living well.
Lifestyle lifestyle lifestyle
Better homes and gardens
Better coffins and coffins
Cooking show gameshow
Cooking show gameshow
DEATH DEATH DEATH
GROWING AWARENESS OF MORTALITY
VIOLENT DEATH FANTASIES
Masturbate masturbate masturbate
FEAR FEAR FEAR
Snackfood junkfood, energy drink
Energy drink energy drink
Game show Cooking show
Game show Cooking show
Disturbing sexual fantasy
Repress repress repress
IM NOT GAY
X factor Biggest loser
X Factor Biggest loser
DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL
IM NOT GAY I HAVE A WIFE AND TWO KIDS AND A BUNCH OF GAYPORN ON SEVEREAL USB DISKS THAT I HIDE IN A HOLE IN THE YARD WHERE I LIKE TO
GARDEN GARDEN GARDEN
BETTER HOMES AND DENIAL
DEATH LIKE SLEEP
8. MORE CALL CENTRE
Sometimes I call rural areas and speak to some really Australian Australians.
They are a dying breed as this country is being increasingly over run by wogs, chinks and poofters.
I adopt a really strong accent so they think I’m one of them to increase my chances of getting money off of them
They say, ‘mate’ a lot.
I always try to match them mate for mate and it turns into some kind of mate off and I try my best to out mate them.
‘Mate, just calling up mate, from the Australian Red Cross Mate… Mate, you heard of us mate, right mate?’ I say.
I get pretty bored there.
Sometimes, because they think I’m like them, they say to me stuff like,
‘Mate, it’s so good to hear a bloody Australian call me up about this for once mate, and not some bloody Indian mate.’ And then they talk about how Australia is being over run by boat people and immigrants or something and I just agree with them, silently giggling to myself because my parents were in fact illegal immigrants from India and if they were to see what I actually looked like, a six foot 4 Asian man in green short shorts and a black and white tiedyed t-shirt with a picture of the grim reaper on the front beckoning to the viewer with his bony fore finger, they probably wouldn’t give me money.
Then I usually end the phone call with nonsense words like,
or ‘Hotdog hotdog!’
And occasionally they repeat the nonsense word back to me and when they do, I feel like I’ve won some kind of prize, but then I look up and remember im working in a call centre and there is no prize.
10. STORY IDEA
An alien race tries to reconstruct humanity from facebook status updates they retrieve from a preserved laptop, but after they read through them, they decide to abandon the project and go for a ride in their spaceship instead.
11. THE FUTURE IS NOW
Sometimes I change the calender on my computer and I pretend like I’m living in the future but nothing has changed.
12. MY CROWD
I was never too good at socialising and I think it was because no matter where I was, the people around me were just never my crowd.
Recently however, I found a new hangout spot and the people there are my crowd and socialising has become a lot easier for me.
The people there are so nice and relaxed and non judgemental, I have no problem talking to them at all.
The only problem is that sitting on gravestones makes your butt numb after a while.
13. NO TV
One time I was in the living room and I found myself watching my flatmate get blisters on his feet the size of golfballs get lanced and as I watched the needle go in and out and pus dripped out, I thought to myself, ‘I miss TV.’
14. BE YOUR OWN TV
Your life is a TV show that you can’t change the channel of.
But if you close your eyes and walk for a while and then open them again, it’s like skipping to the next episode.
Just make sure you wear shin guards, as you will find yourself bumping into things a lot.
15. MORE TV
Life is a reality TV show that not many people watch, that needs better editing, and is about to be axed.
Life is not a TV show at all, it just seems that way sometimes when you play a laugh track everytime after something unfunny happens.
16. NO PHONE
Recently my phone broke and I didn’t have a phone for two weeks, but I didn’t notice much of a difference because no one called me anyway even when I did have a phone because I only know a few people and we don’t talk much.
Occasionally I would feel phantom vibrations on my leg as if a phone I didn’t have was ringing in my pocket and I would reach down to check and then feel mild dissappointment when I remembered I didn’t have a phone.
This happened to me even when I did have a phone.
I thought about instead of getting another phone, I should just get a carrier pigeon instead, that way even when no one called me, I could still talk to the pigeon like it was my friend, the kind of friend who couldn’t talk to you but could fly and shit on peoples head from a great height, the kind of friend you could eat if you were ever starving.
I visited my friend’s new house. She showed me the full length mirror that covered the wall in her room.
‘It makes the room seem so much more spacious doesn’t it?’ She asked.
All I could think was that if I lived in that room, I would just keep wondering why that guy trapped in a parallel dimension who looked like me, kept shouting at me.
18. I WANT TO DO LOTS OF STUFF BUT I DON’T.
I want to write a book that’s basically a verbal photograph of all the thoughts and memories a man is having as his brain explodes.
His name would be ‘Willy Frontal Lobe Exploding.’
It would have a happy ending.
19. MEDITATIONS ON THE MEANING OF SUCCESS LEARNT THROUGH MY LIFE AS A STANDUP ‘COMEDIAN’.
If your aim is to lose then you have won and lost and won and lost etc…
If your aim is to fail, then you have succeeded and you can stop trying.
Success is only a form of growing into further failure.
Therefore success is failure.
These are all things I tell myself everytime I do a shit gig for not enough money which is most of the time.
I used to do comedy to be liked by the crowd,
Then I did it to be liked by the other comedians,
Then I did it to try and get ahead,
Then I did it to try and just make a living,
Then I did it for drug money.
Then I did it for no reason at all.
Now I don’t do it much.
Once you watch every one of your dreams die you have to laugh
Once you watch every one of your illusions disperse you have to smile
Once you watch every one of your hopes get gangraped you have to dance
Once you accept the possibility of dying in obscurity and poverty you have to get onstage and be funny.
20. RAPE DEATH
If you could rape death, perhaps it would leave you alone and you could live forever.
21. CALL CENTRE
Sometimes I call people up and I talk with them for a while and then when I ask them if they want to help out with the Charity appeal, they say,
‘Oh sorry, I don’t speak english.’
And I think, ‘Yes you do, what you just said and everything before that, was English.’
But I don’t, I just hang up.
22. I WANT TWO MONOCLES FOR MY TWO HEADED PET CYCLOPS (GODBLESS FREDDY MERCURY)
I know enough about spelling to know that 2 plus 3 equals 3.
I know enough about freedom to know which cage I must choose to live in.
I will eat fried garbage and you can suck my dick so hard you will shit my eyeballs out your asshole while wondering if it would’ve been better if I had been the one to suck your dick so hard that I shat out your eyeballs, but there is no right or wrong answer to this.
And the grass is always greener while the coffins beneath are paid too much money to just rot.
And we watch this all on an HD television which has better graphics than what’s not on the TV screen while I think about how great Freddie Mercury was because he made people who’d ordinarily be homophobic love him.
Godbless Freddie Mercury.
23. OUTSOURCE THE HATE
I got a Kinder surprise the other day and the toy inside of it sucked boohoo it’s not fair I think im going to kill myself.
It was a tiny C3PO lego man which didn’t require me to construct it at all.
I just stared at it wondering what had become of the world.
They should just stick tiny condoms in there for midgets to use.
The chocolate was okay though.
I need to go to a third world country again so I can feel better about myself.
24. SHORT PLAY SET IN A CAR.
Gary: The main thing is that you get so tired when driving long distances that you are too tired to even realise you are tired, because you have been staring at the road for so long it kind of hypnotises you.
GARY: (butting in) …So you constantly have to be really careful with making sure that you aren’t tired, not even one bit at all…
Gary: (butting in) …This one time I fell asleep at the wheel and it was a real lesson, let me tell you that because…
Gary: Let me finish, I didn’t even realise I had fallen asleep! I woke up like drifting off the road and near…
Mark: YOU ARE ASLEEP! THIS IS A DREAM! IM NOT EVEN REAL! WAKE UP!
Gary: OH SHIT!!!!
(Car crashes and they all live forever in a magical land full of fairies and elves.)